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The Rule's for Man
Dec 14, 2008 | 8:23 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Subject: Man Rules
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules " From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down,We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Any questions? See rule number 1.
And you can practice on Thanksgiving
* Holiday Eating Tips*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"
Have a great holiday
...remember that peace is not God's gift to us; peace is our gift to each other.
Elie Wiesel, Nobel lecture, 1986
Eating Tips for Christmas
Nov 24, 2008 | 3:02 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
And you can practice on Thanksgiving
* Holiday Eating Tips*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"
Have a great holiday
...remember that peace is not God's gift to us; peace is our gift to each other.
Elie Wiesel, Nobel lecture, 1986
Dinner Tips for Christmas
Nov 24, 2008 | 3:00 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
And you can practice on Thanksgiving
* Holiday Eating Tips*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"
Have a great holiday
...remember that peace is not God's gift to us; peace is our gift to each other.
Elie Wiesel, Nobel lecture, 1986
Christmas Dinner Tips
Nov 24, 2008 | 2:59 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
And you can practice on Thanksgiving
* Holiday Eating Tips*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's
a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"
Have a great holiday
...remember that peace is not God's gift to us; peace is our gift to each other.
Elie Wiesel, Nobel lecture, 1986
Tuesday Humor
Nov 17, 2008 | 6:17 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Have a Laugh
Nov 17, 2008 | 6:20 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Tuesday Laugh
Nov 17, 2008 | 6:19 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Tuesday Humor Enjoy
Nov 17, 2008 | 6:18 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I foun d him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.
Tuesday Joke
Nov 3, 2008 | 8:38 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I foun d him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.
Tuesday Funny
Nov 3, 2008 | 8:25 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I foun d him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.
Monday Laughs
Oct 27, 2008 | 2:18 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi. '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'one'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.’
The boss says, '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should really go fishing.'
Monday Funny
Oct 27, 2008 | 2:17 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi. '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'one'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.’
The boss says, '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should really go fishing.'
Monday Laugh
Oct 27, 2008 | 2:16 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi. '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'one'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.’
The boss says, '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should really go fishing.'
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